The Kildare FM Phone in

Home from the school run, tea in hand

 The radio tuned into the familiar band

The dulcet tones of Mr Ryan (or Clem)

The morning host on KFM

There’s war in the world and famine to boot

Bombs going off in Iran and Beruit

There’s recession, depression, addiction, landmines,

And he’s covered the lot by a quarter past nine

He wants us to join him on the Phone In Show

Should I be brave and call in, give it a go?

What topic today? Drugs, crime or Smoking?

No “Call if your domestic appliance has broken”

Yes, the 'Domestic Appliance' hour live on air

“The phone lines are buzzing from all over Kildare

We’ve a broken oven door and fridge light has blown

And a microwave oven with a mind of its own”

The suspense was killing me this was my chance

I looked round the kitchen gave my appliances a glance

Should I report the dishwasher for leaving plates smeary

Should I phone Clem (or would I sound a bit dreary?)

The stories were coming in from all round Kildare

A hairdryer that didn’t dry but toasted the hair

A breadmaking machine that smells of cheese

A Panini maker whose lid won’t squeeze

A washing machine that walks around the room

A vacuum cleaner that has lost its vacuum

A freezer that only occasionally freezes

A tumble drier that gave the family the sneezes

An electric knife with a handle that snapped

A Japanese rice cooker with a lid that’s crap

A big chest freezer with an annoying drip

An electric egg boiler that was found in a skip

A new German oven - the instruction book’s missing

A Lidl electric iron that won’t stop hissing

A modern chrome can opener with a rusty blade

A jam maker that only makes marmalade

A glass coffee machine that has developed a crack

An ice cream maker that only works with a whack

A Foremans Grill that always burns the steak

And a doughnut machine that refuses to bake

 Clem handled the callers with a professional manner

“Have you tried some oil? Have you got a spanner?

Have you Googled the problem? Phoned the shop?

Turn it off and on again? Hit it with a mop?”

Each caller glad their appliance stress shared

Clem Ryan, the only man in Kildare that morning who cared

And never one to willing admit defeat

Ends each call with “I hope that you kept the receipt?”