“Do you want to join me on a road trip?” came the invitation from
Davina last Sunday. Ten minutes later, I was sitting beside her in the orange
camper van that she recently bought off Done Deal. “Where are we going?” I
asked as we took the M1 motorway to Belfast. “We’re meeting a man somewhere
near the Hill Of Tara” she said, puffing anxiously on an electronic cigarette. Thanks
to Paul McKenna’s I CAN STOP YOU SMOKING CD and fake cigarettes she has
conquered her twenty-year addiction to Benson and Hedges Superkings.
Since she started buying and selling online, Done Deal and EBay have
become her passion. It turns out that she is not alone. The average person will
make €350 selling stuff that they no longer need. Davina had sold a collection
of scratched 1980’s albums, her torn wedding dress, her husband’s old ties, a
broken CD player and a rusty bicycle. Her track record so far is proof that one
man’s trash really is another man’s treasure.
She says that the thrill lies in finding homes for the things that
she no longer wants (and help pay off the mortgage at the same time). Davina
uses the name ‘Twinkle Toes’ when she sells online and last Sunday we were
going to meet a man with the user name ‘Lovely Liam’ who lived in the
middle of nowhere in County Meath. He had bought a white Italian ceramic figurine
from her called ‘The Tired One’.
“It’s a long way from Kildare to Lovely Liam” I pointed out.
“A sale is a sale and ‘The Tired One’ would break in the post,” Davina
said, bashing directions into her phone as we sat in a lay-by near Belfast,
totally lost, for the third time that morning. It also turns out that the
mysterious buyer had invited her to take a look at his barn, which was filled
with bits and pieces that he was selling. We left Kildare at 10.30 and arrived
in a tiny village twenty miles from the Hill of Tara at 1pm.
It would have been hard to miss ‘Lovely Liam’. He stood in the
middle of the street waving at us, in a leather jacket and wellies with a heavy
gold chain round his neck. His teeth so big that looked as though they had been
craned hammered and cemented into place.
It didn’t help Davina’s nerves that he was rubbing his hands together in
an excited manner. “Hello Twinkle Toes” he said to me. “No, she’s the Twinkle
Toes” I corrected him pointing to Davina. “I’m not getting out of the car,” she
hissed back at me.
I got out and Davina followed reluctantly a minute later. “Now
girls. Let’s go into the barn,” he said, rubbing his hands together. “I NEED A
CIGARETTE” Davina hissed in my direction. We came to a ladder. “Right so,
ladies, up into the attic you go, wait for me, I’ll be back soon,” he called to
us, heading into the house. Davina’s face was red, her palms were sweaty and before you could
say Benson and Hedges, she was half way up a creaky ladder having a panic
attack. She has a fear of heights.
“Oh my GOD. We have to get
out of here! QUICK” she shouted down when she reached the top. As fast as a
squirrel up a tree I followed her into the attic. It was full of old fishing
nets, pots, pans, dusty lampshades and books. It smelt damp, there were no
windows and Davina was hyperventilating. It was what was in the corner that was
freaking her out. “It was exactly like this in The Silence of The Lambs,” she
said running for the ladder, “I have a bad feeling about this. He’s going to
KILL us!”
Hanging from the ceiling in the corner was a punch-bag, beside that,
a large hole in the floor and the entire space was flood lit in blue neon
lights. We heard the sound of footsteps coming up the ladder. “Now ladies, who
would like tea?” Lovely Liam put a rusty tray down on an old suitcase. I
drank mine. “I’m telling you he has poisoned that,” Davina whispered when he
disappeared down the stairs again, so I drank hers too. He came up five minutes
later with two Chunky Kit Kats.
“Now then. Where is she? My lovely Tired One?” he said, rubbing
his hands together again and dribbling from the mouth. I looked around and
decided that if it turned out that Liam was a psychopath, I would push Davina
down the hole to the barn floor below and tie Lovely Liam up in the fishing
net (I have always been good in emergencies).
“Here she is” Davina said, handing
over the white ceramic statue. He took her out, “Ooooh,
she’s special,” he said, stroking her then tapping her against his teeth. Then he turned to Davina with a proposition. “Well
now Twinkle Toes. Fancy a swap?” Swapping is another appeal of selling online.
Money doesn’t always change hands if the person buying also has something to
sell that you want.
Davina looked round at the punch-bag, fishing nets and pots and gave Liam a firm “NO”. He handed her €20. I
bought an old saucepan, something to remind me of our day out. Davina was first
down the ladder. She ran into the camper van, took a few puffs on her electronic
cigarette in her mouth and stuck on the Paul McKenna CD to calm her nerves. Lovely Liam walked me to the camper van and waved goodbye from the middle of the road,
holding his new purchase protectively.
We’ll be making another road trip in the camper van this summer when
the Antiques Roadshow comes to Hillsborough
Castle in County Down. This time I’ll bring Sat Nav, packed lunch and some
Rescue Remedy for Davina, just in case Lovely Liam is there too.
